My mom....

has to be the greatest mom ever!! she raised 5 girls...none of whom has turned out with a criminal record i might add. she did so mostly on her own as my dad was in the navy. she was also a working mother. she always took in our friends as one of her own and took care of them when needed it.

so....



HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

missing my husband

to my husband

it has been about 18 days since i have gotten an email from you, and before that 12. it has been 30 days since i last talked to you on the phone. it has been 81 days since i saw your face and kissed your sweet lips.

every morning i rush anxiously to the computer and check my email. is there one from you? and of course theres not, but i say 'maybe later in the day'. all through out the day i check it, no new emails it says. i think to myself 'maybe later'. later at night as i am sitting by myself because the kids are all tucked into bed i wish to hear from you, but of course there is nothing. but even though i dont get an email from you i know i am one day closer to hearing from you and one day closer to seeing you.



i miss you so much but i am so proud of what you do. i know its hard being underwater and having no contact with your family for sometimes weeks at a time. i cant imagine the thoughts that go through your head. just know that your family loves you very much and we are so proud of you!



love your wife

things accomplished today!!!!

i have gotten alot done today.

i swept the entry hall and steam mopped it (i bought the shark steam mop yesterday ). it did a pretty good job on a floor that hasnt been mopped in a LONG time.

this is a picture of the mop pad after i mop just one floor. ummm, maybe i should mop more often

you know how some people dont like folding laundry or vaccuming but i love doing those things...i dont even mind washing dishes (except emptying the dish drainer or dishwasher). but i really do NOT like mopping floors, dont ask me why i just dont like doing it. but i dont mind sweeping either. i guess i am just weird that way.


I also washed 3 loads of laundry and foaled 2. transfered about 200 pictures from my camera to my computer. and i set up the kids computer in the back room, now they can play and not ruin my computer!

All of that before noon!!! Go me!

the other side of the table



that is the china





that is the garage in june 06

well for some reason i lost my first picture on the last post and it wont let me upload anymore so i will try again later

So this was my garage on 17 June 2006 after amanda had left all her stuff in the front half of it. After a couple months of putting it off and then a couple of months going through it I had only a few boxes left. Most of them were china, some were vases and candle holders. That is some of what I had left. There was a set of really pretty china also. After 3 weeks on craigslist I didnt sell the china so I finally just got rid of everything. Chuy took some of the blue stuff (he likes the cobalt blue stuff) for his new place (he is moving out this week after 2 and 1/2 years of living with us). He also took the china, I'm assuming he is going to give them to his mom or his sister-in-law. It is a 6 person place setting with some extras incase they break. I will try to up load a picture when I am done writing this as it wouldn't let me do it earlier. The rest of the stuff I just packed into boxes and took to Goodwill with all the old stuff I had laying around in the garage. The reason I did it all today is because I needed to get all the stuff out of the garage so Chuy could get his stuff out and I got tired of it being in my way.

So that is what I did today.

like father like son!!!

october 31st 2006


october 12th 2007

a piece or peace?

here is a piece of an email i wrote my husband today. i think i discovered what i have been doing wrong. its time to find some peace in my life and im gonna try harder to do that.

izzy is over here having breakfast. i made them pancakes, im such a nice mom arent i. i have been getting better with the kids. i still get irritated but i try to control it. i think i had feelings of resentment towards them. im not sure why but i think it has something to do with me not getting to sleep in everyday. stupid huh? i know im crazy. did i tell you that the other day i actually thought about not having anymore kids. HAHA that was until i held laura a few hours later. i miss feeling a baby in my arms and i miss being needed. i know the kids need me but i think it is a different feeling. i had no problem getting up in hte middle of the night to feed liz and i actually got up the next morning with energy. i dont understand why. maybe you could think about and explain it to me. i just thought of something. i think i am controlling. when they are little i am able to control them in a certain way and i can handle them better. i just dont think i know how to handle older kids. maybe its because when i was around my neices and nephews they were all younger. i was around them much as they were growing up. i just need to learn how to deal with older ones. i need to be more involved with them, have fun with them. hmmm maybe i just solved my own problem.

Sh** or get off the pot....

is what i told my self i need to do as i walked down the stairs.

shirley finally got her necklace from school for knowing all her letters. now its time to move on to the sight words (also known as high frequency words). so i got her this work book to help her. well i didnt let her do it last year cuz i didnt think she was ready for it. and i havent started her on in this year because i dont have a routine down yet. what kind of crap is that, im asking myself.

im like that with alot of things. i didnt want to scrap book cuz i didnt have a big space to put all my stuff (ahh and i have not one creative bone in my body), i cant clean my kitchen cuz there are dishes in the sink, i cant clean the laundry room cuz chuys stuff is in there, i dont keep my kids room (or my house) clean cuz it will just get messy again. if it is perfect i wont start on anything. and who am i kidding? nothing is ever perfect! i just need to deal with it and get it over with. another thing i dont dont do is keep up with this blog thing cuz i cant write.

ever feel....

like nothing is worth it? dont worry im not going to go crazy and kill my kids or myself. its just that i really feel like nothing is working out in my life. my fish are sick so whats the point of having them if i cant take care of them. my puppy is a pain in the butt, so whats the point of training her. my kids are not that bad but they sometimes frustrate me to the point of wanting to lock myself in my room (that is until they do something cute and melt my heart or they would destroy the entire house even worse then it is now!). my house is a disaster so whats the point of cleaning it if it is going to just look gross again 30 minutes later (one big thing is that the carpets are nasty...it must have been a man who decided to put beige carpets in a house the could house 5 people...what were they thinking!).

my husband doesnt love me (im sure of it). im sure he does in his own little way but it makes me feel like crap the way he treats me and sometimes doesnt give me the time of day. im sure it isnt easy for him to be underwater and have me writing him emails asking why he doesnt or me 'yelling' him for the way he is. but really what else can i do. that is the only time i know of that there might be a remote chance he is reading the emails (after the first one im sure he isnt). he doesnt talk to me any other time. i usually hear the stories from the boat or work when he is telling someone else about it. what is the point of having a marriage if we cant confide in each other or be able to turn to each other when we need a shoulder to cry on. instead of one making the other cry most of the time.

im not writing this so my sister will hate him more. i am just hoping writing it down will make the feelings of hurt go away...but i dont think it is working. he really is a good guy...to his friends and his kids. just not to me. the one person he should love because he choose to spend the rest of his life with. i have even given him plenty of outs. ive told him..if you dont want to be married just tell me so i can work on moving on. most of the time he says 'go then ..if you dont like being here just go' but of course i dont (i think maybe i should have sometimes). i guess i was just afraid of starting over agian. but mainly i love him and didnt want to be with out him.

my blubbering is over. thanks for listening.

lizzy and the toilet

so i flush public toilets with my foot. and the other day while at a school play for my son my youngest had to go to the bathroom and she wanted to flush by herself. apparently she has seen me flush one too many times

just wanted to tell you all that shirley hasnt peed in her pullup in three nights. she is so proud of herself as she should be. if she keeps it up maybe she wont have to wear them anymore.

now on to getting her to read! that is going to be rough on me. i get so easily frustrated with her. im sure it isnt her fault because her teacher says she is behind. shirley is going to repeat kindergarten. and her teacher now says that if there isnt great improvement by october then we should get her tested. i wish we could get it done now but i think it is too soon.

i am not so worried about her repeating kindergarten because she was born early. im not sure how early. she was born nov. 4, and if i believe amanda then she was born 6-8 weeks early. if that is the case then that would put her birthday anywhere from the middle of december to the begining of jan. so she would have missed the cut off date for school if she was born at the right time and would be starting next year anyway. sooo i hope it all works out.

so i finally gave in. i went shopping at walmart today. i only bought what i needed...well sort of. i went in there for pullups. and came out with: i bought 2 pairs of jammas for liz. they were on clearance for $5 each. (not bad for carters brand..well carters for walmart) i also bought the girls each an outfit. i bought mike two shirts. one has a picture of a game controller and says "hand over the controler and nobody gets hurt" or something like that. the other one says "this is what perfect looks like". hes gonna love them. my kids are really greatful when someone buys them something. they will say over and over "thank you mommy" "i love this". they are really good kids. then i bought myself 3 new t-shirts. one is eeyore, one is tinkerbell (cant leave walmart with out buying a tinkerbell shirt!), and the other is gray and says navy going down one side of it and has the mascot of the navy football team (a ram).

i went in with 115 and spent only 75. a crap i forgot to get plastic spoons. crap i always do that. i am in the store and i cant remember what i need. the bad thing is i was trying to write a list last night and i could not remember what i needed. there was just one thing i couldnt remember and it turns out being plastic spoons. so i am going to have to back to a store. maybe i will just buy some at the nex minimart. ahh that could spell trouble though.

shopping

for some reason i have this intense urge to go out and go shopping. maybe its because i have been on the computer since i dropped the kids off at school. maybe its because there is $140 in cash sitting next to me. or the fact that the check i bounced on the 30th of may has not gone back through and nobody really knows where it is so there is $185 sitting in the bank waiting to go to its new home and i need a carpet cleaner. maybe its just cuz i miss my husband and i am trying to compensate for the hole in my heart.

on the 13th i started taking wellbutrin. (for depression) as most of you might know i have stuggled with depression and anxeity most of my life. im not sure why, it sure isnt because i had a terrible living situation and my family was awful. there really is no reason except my brain is all screwed up. so anyway, i started taking this stuff last week and it has helped. i was on paxil for a long time and then i switched to prozac. coming off of paxil is hell! but that is for another day. arrgghh i keep getting off track, that happens alot for me. so im not sure if this stuff that i am on now is working very well. i feel better most of the time. but there are times when i want to cry over the littlest things. im not expecting medicine to make me feel better 100% of the time but to look at your sisters baby register and want to cry because i feel like i will never be able to do that is very hard. i hate feeling like a weak person. (see im almost gonna cry now). i want to be strong but i just dont know how to do it.

i want to be strong enough to not go out and spend money and run up our debt. i want to be able to take my kids to church and teach them right from wrong. i want to go out into the world and do things that i have never done before. i want to be able to stand up for myself and my family and not run away and hide. i want my husband and kids to be proud of me. i know are proud of me now (maybe not so much the husband cuz i never know how he feels...he doesnt show his emotions).

iahh i am getting tired and i need to post some pictures of michaels play so heather will leave me alone.lol

i usually do a budget type thing on quicken for the next payday. i did it for the 1st, i will be paying off a $300 credit card with a shocking 30% interest rate (yep you read right) and with that we have about and we are paying my dad back $100 and then $30 in donations (we should be donating more but....). after that we have about 990 left depending on how much my husband gets for pay. i have put in that he is getting paid 1300 but usually we get closer to 1500. he just got a raise because he advanced (wahoo) so it will hopefully be more because of back pay for the month of june. i would like to pay off his $500 dollar card but we ran into a problem plus we have a pre-existing one. i found a 'tear' on our frint driverside tire. i think it is due to alot of wear. the pre-existing problem is that our alignment is WAY off, and it keeps getting worse. so i am going to get that stuff done before paying on his credit card. hopefully it lasts until the first but i might just take it in before then and put it on our firestone card and then pay that off on the 1st.

i just hope i pay it off, i have a tendency to just pay the minimum on the card i charge up and then send the cash. that is what got us here in the first place. we have alot of money coming in each month. my husband is a first class in the navy so we get about $1500 take home pay every two weeks and then on the first of the month we get about $1400 adoption money. so that is about 4400 dollars a month. you say might be saying "how can you be in debt with so much money coming in". i blame it all on my parents..well ok not really. but i learned all my spending habits from them. they would go out and buy the best things but they were inpatient so they wouldnt save the money but would put it on the card. sometimes after a while that item would sit unused. but having 5 kids most of it got used.

my husband and i are very spontaneous when it comes buying things, such as a truck, a big screen tv, a motorcycle. for some reason we cant save our money. and i tend to buy things we dont need, little stuff like movies, stupid stuff for the house, mainly things that i think we need (but of course we dont) or i think i am going to use but dont. so my goal with this blog is to work out my problems with spending. when i have an urge to run out and buy the latest 'in' thing i will try to come and write here and maybe it will help with the urges. maybe i can get to the root of my spending problems. i am also hoping that it will help me keep track of paying off our debt and be a reminder of how far we have come and how far we need to go.