for some reason i have this intense urge to go out and go shopping. maybe its because i have been on the computer since i dropped the kids off at school. maybe its because there is $140 in cash sitting next to me. or the fact that the check i bounced on the 30th of may has not gone back through and nobody really knows where it is so there is $185 sitting in the bank waiting to go to its new home and i need a carpet cleaner. maybe its just cuz i miss my husband and i am trying to compensate for the hole in my heart.
on the 13th i started taking wellbutrin. (for depression) as most of you might know i have stuggled with depression and anxeity most of my life. im not sure why, it sure isnt because i had a terrible living situation and my family was awful. there really is no reason except my brain is all screwed up. so anyway, i started taking this stuff last week and it has helped. i was on paxil for a long time and then i switched to prozac. coming off of paxil is hell! but that is for another day. arrgghh i keep getting off track, that happens alot for me. so im not sure if this stuff that i am on now is working very well. i feel better most of the time. but there are times when i want to cry over the littlest things. im not expecting medicine to make me feel better 100% of the time but to look at your sisters baby register and want to cry because i feel like i will never be able to do that is very hard. i hate feeling like a weak person. (see im almost gonna cry now). i want to be strong but i just dont know how to do it.
i want to be strong enough to not go out and spend money and run up our debt. i want to be able to take my kids to church and teach them right from wrong. i want to go out into the world and do things that i have never done before. i want to be able to stand up for myself and my family and not run away and hide. i want my husband and kids to be proud of me. i know are proud of me now (maybe not so much the husband cuz i never know how he feels...he doesnt show his emotions).
iahh i am getting tired and i need to post some pictures of michaels play so heather will leave me alone.lol
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2 comments:
hey now i only bug you a little bit. Plus we all want to see them its not just me so blleewww (that was me sticking my tongue out)
I feel your pain about it all I go through it everyday. SOmetimes i hate to even have to leave the house and go run errands.
Wow, Dani...I didn't realize it was so tough. You know if you ever need to talk or vent you can call me. I love you.
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