ever feel....

like nothing is worth it? dont worry im not going to go crazy and kill my kids or myself. its just that i really feel like nothing is working out in my life. my fish are sick so whats the point of having them if i cant take care of them. my puppy is a pain in the butt, so whats the point of training her. my kids are not that bad but they sometimes frustrate me to the point of wanting to lock myself in my room (that is until they do something cute and melt my heart or they would destroy the entire house even worse then it is now!). my house is a disaster so whats the point of cleaning it if it is going to just look gross again 30 minutes later (one big thing is that the carpets are nasty...it must have been a man who decided to put beige carpets in a house the could house 5 people...what were they thinking!).

my husband doesnt love me (im sure of it). im sure he does in his own little way but it makes me feel like crap the way he treats me and sometimes doesnt give me the time of day. im sure it isnt easy for him to be underwater and have me writing him emails asking why he doesnt or me 'yelling' him for the way he is. but really what else can i do. that is the only time i know of that there might be a remote chance he is reading the emails (after the first one im sure he isnt). he doesnt talk to me any other time. i usually hear the stories from the boat or work when he is telling someone else about it. what is the point of having a marriage if we cant confide in each other or be able to turn to each other when we need a shoulder to cry on. instead of one making the other cry most of the time.

im not writing this so my sister will hate him more. i am just hoping writing it down will make the feelings of hurt go away...but i dont think it is working. he really is a good guy...to his friends and his kids. just not to me. the one person he should love because he choose to spend the rest of his life with. i have even given him plenty of outs. ive told him..if you dont want to be married just tell me so i can work on moving on. most of the time he says 'go then ..if you dont like being here just go' but of course i dont (i think maybe i should have sometimes). i guess i was just afraid of starting over agian. but mainly i love him and didnt want to be with out him.

my blubbering is over. thanks for listening.